Calvary Baptist Church

The family is a beautiful thing.  It models the grace of God in the world.  Marriage is a picture of the love God has for His people.   

The family can be amazing, but when it goes badly the failures in a family can be so painful.  There are many failures in the family, including abuse (both physical and emotional), divorce, and sexual abuse.

Any discussion of Christianity must include the topic of family and how family should work.  So many people who have had a wedding have never had a marriage.  Peter echoes the Apostle Paul in addressing the subject of marriage.

Peter connects this section to the previous one by coming back to the word submission.  As a quick reminder, submission is a voluntary yielding.  It is a subordination, a yielding to another.   Submission is due to God first and then extends into the family.

Today’s text should be read in connection with Paul’s words in Ephesians 5.  The outline is simple.  First, the general principle that governs the family.  Then advice for wives, followed by God’s directions for the husbands.

Paul’s introduction in Ephesians five says:

Reminder the significance of the word Submission.  It is a mark of equality.   Some people in the context of marriage have abused this word.   Paul does NOT say that women alone are to submit. Even though some preachers have abused this passage by not taking the marriage exhortations in context.

Paul’s context says that submission in marriage is to be mutual.  Both parties are to practice willing submissions.  Wives will submit to their husbands and husbands to their wives.   This is not spineless groveling, but spiritual yielding.

Guidelines to Wives

Paul’s commands are centered on one simple command.  Wives are to practice submission to their husbands.  Out of love for God they are to yield to the leadership their husbands are to provide.  This yielding is modeled after the church’s willing submission to the Lord. 

Peter begins his writing with the same challenge Paul issued.  He calls for the same level of respect.  She yields to her husband because she recognizes the role he is to have in the home.

Peter’s focus is a little different than Paul’s.  Paul writes to husbands and wives who are both believers.  Peter is focused on women who have husbands who are not believers.  Peter is advising her in the ways she can help her husband come to Christ. 

In Biblical days when a man became a Christian, his family often followed.  This is seen in the encounter of the Philippian jailer.  He responded to the good news of the gospel.  His family quickly followed his lead.  They all became believers.

But what happens when a woman became saved.  This situation must have caused some consternation for the woman as she waited and hoped for her husband to be saved.  In this context Peter began with the command to submit.  Yes, even if he is not a believer.  She is not to compromise her faith but where her faith allowed it, she was to submit to His leadership.

The goal of her conduct is clearly defined. She is attempting to win him to the faith.  Her witness is one without words.  Her changed life would speak loudly and clearly to her husband.

She is called to live a life of purity, walking above reproach.  Such conduct would win him over.  He would be persuaded by her and put his trust in the Lord.

Peter next challenges the wives to focus on the internal qualities, not external beauty.  Roman women lived in high fashion with hairstyles, combs, headbands ribbons and jewelry in abundance.  From the word adornment (Greek “kosmos”) we get the word cosmetics.  Seneca, a Roman historian said that women would wear two or three fortunes in their ears.

God does not command women not to wear jewelry or fix her hair. She is not focusing on the outward appearance.  Instead, her will focus must be on the inward characteristics of gentleness and a quiet spirit.  This inner beauty is based on her great worth in God’s sight. 

Through these qualities she will be invested in the unfading, imperishable life that will change others.  Proverbs 13:30 says about beauty: “Charm is deceptive and beauty if fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Peter concludes this example a challenge to follow two examples. The first is the generic example of women in the Old Testament.  They put their hope in God as they submitted to their husbands.

Then Peter moved to the specific example of Sarah.  She must have thought Abraham to be unpredictable, foolish, rash, and irresponsible.  They were constantly on the move.  But she followed his lead.

She was overjoyed as she finally conceived and gave birth to Isaac.  Her concerns must have been tremendous as Abraham led Isaac up a mountainside with the thought that he would be sacrificed to the Lord.  With clinched teeth she yielded.  With a sorrowful heart she let Isaac go.

In all these times she submitted to the leadership of her husband.  We may find the language difficult as Peter says she called him lord.  This is not a substitute for the God of the universe.  It means leader, or we may say sir.  She trusted God and followed the leadership of her husband.

Peter gives a dual command which brings peace to the woman who will read these words.  Wives are to do what is right.  Act correctly, no matter what.  But you can be reassured by the command not to give into fear.

Ladies, you might find these commands onerous.  But have faith, you can trust God.  As you do what you are called to do, God will take care of the rest.

This does not command a wife to stay in a situation of abuse or unfaithfulness.  But as much as you can, follow the leadership of your husband.  God will take care of the rest.

Wives, if you have made it this far, take a breath.  Once you understand how God speaks to your husband these calls of God will be much more manageable.

Guidelines to Husbands (Verse 7)

Paul’s words tell us, as husbands, where we are to start.  We are to love our wives.  Not with some give or take. Not with a “you do this for me and then…”  attitude. We are to love our wives like Jesus loves the church.  How does He love the church, selflessly, completely, tirelessly.

Men, do not groan.  You may want to find a way around this command.  “I cannot love her because she…”  Sorry sir, you missed it.  Does Jesus love the church only when she is obedient, only when we act like He would want us to act.  Of course not.  His love is selfless.  His love is consistent, whether we deserve it or not.

The illustration of laying down our lives is easy if you consider your reaction, sir, if someone came into your home to do harm to your wife.  He would have to go through you to hurt her or your children.  They would get in my house over my dead or incapacitated body.

But that would be easy compared to the challenge to live this every day.  We are called to love them like that every day.  Today, how will I love my wife?  Tomorrow, how will I love my life?  There is no end to this command.  Love her!

Now let me meddle a bit.  Ladies, if your husband loves you tirelessly, completely, if he puts you first, above himself, will you yield? 

I have asked that couple of nearly every couple who has approached me to perform their marriage.  I asked that question through tear filled eyes and with a catch in my throat.  I struggle because I know her reaction.  She always, and I do mean always says, “yes.”  If she is loved like that, she will allow her husband to lead.

I believe that God has put in women an innate need for this kind of love.  They hunger for this affection.  Give it to them and watch them thrive.

Men, if she is dressed up for a date night out, looking her absolute best, you will show your love. But on a hard day when the makeup just did not happen and the hair is askew, love her just as much.  If things are rough, if it is a difficult patch ask yourself, “am I loving her today.”

Peter’s next command is to live with her.  We live with her in an attitude of consideration.  Give her honor and understanding.  Treat her with respect and dignity.  Consideration means to have wisdom and knowledge.  Discern her spoken and unspoken needs.   This is much more than romantic feelings; it is to give understanding and honor.

Peter then gives another two-sided command.  On the one hand, husbands, you are to understand and love her as a weaker vessel.  While there are exceptions, we understand that women do not have the physical strength a woman has.  In many settings she is also not given equal standing. 

Do not push Peter’s words too far.  She is not less.  Peter points out that she is a coheir with us.  She is equal in God’s grace.  The husband is to be the leader, but the leader treats her as an equal.  Cherish her, nurture her. 

Peter finishes the passage with a warning.  Understand that a poor marital relationship will hinder your walk with God.  Difficult vertical times with your spouse will result in a break in your horizontal relationship with God.  Men, your walk with God will be hindered if you do not honor and respect your wife.

If you have made it to the end of this blog you doubtless understand that you have room to grow.  No husband will be able to say that we perfectly fulfill God’s commands.  Every wife will understand that she needs to grow in some area. 

Do not pass by this opportunity to talk honestly with your spouse about the areas in which you need to grow.  Covenant together to improve your marriage.  You will not reach the commands of God accidently. 

One more note: you will do well if you have an honest conversation with your children as well.  They need to hear you be honest.  They know you do not get it right.  Be straightforward with them.  They will eventually copy you.  Let them see you stretch and grow.

May your family become stronger and your love richer.  You do not get it all right.  Start right where you are.